As I write this, sweat-beads tumbled down my ribs and soak into jockstrap, and I know that the great suffering is once more upon us: summer. Though, to be honest, I stand with less than 0.00-something per cent of Aussies in my hostility towards the season, and the vast majority of you bloody fricken love it. So let's focus on the good parts -- ice-cold VBs (or whatever Melbourne craft beer you really feel you must peddle to your mates), three-quarter boardshorts, and, of course, the best damn jerky in the southern hemisphere and possibly (definitely) the world.
Well, it’s that time of year again -- Christmas (already!), and other than eating our jerky yourself, there's one other thing we recommend you do with it (and no, it's not baiting wild animals to acquire more meat) -- gift it to ya mum, ya dad, or even your creepy uncle. We've said it before, and we'll say it again. There is no better way to tell your loved ones that they are indeed your loved ones than jerking them while they're half-asleep on Christmas morning. Santa has only got so many hands, and his sack can carry only so much. And for those of you who are feeling particularly traditional this year, we've got the perfect Jerkmas surprise.
You're likely aware of this already, but we've recently beefed up our menu with authentic South African biltong. This came after countless months of delving into the Jerk'E'Club's ancestral roots and nagging said ancestors until they revealed their secret family recipe. What's more, you can choose how you want it, baby. Some like it thicc (fatty), while others like it traditional. We leave that choice in your perspiring hands. If you can handle something spicier than Colgate toothpaste, our chilli biltong has you covered on the way in and the way out, and you can order either flavour pre-sliced or as nature intended it -- in long strips of mouthwatering beef. How much you "tong it" is up to you too (yeah, it doesn't quite have the same ring as "jerk it," but you can't win 'em all). "Tong-it-twice" by getting your hands on 200 grams, "tong-a-lot" with a 500 gram pack, and "tong-once-a-day" with a kilo. As with our jerky, shipping is Australia wide, and you're always guaranteed to receive our freshest available product. You gotta be fresh.
In other news, it's time to say goodbye to our springtime romance, ‘Peño Jerk’. She helped us become men, and we'll never forget her, but we're still young, and we've got a whole lot of experimenting to do before we lock ourselves into anything. In all seriousness, our lime and jalapeño flavour was a massive hit, but our next limited-edition flavour is a truly big win for all ye lovers of salty brown nuts. And for those of you who are allergic to nuts, you have nutting to be afraid of. We've taken every precaution to ensure that our non-nutty and nutty products remain separate, short of launching our nuts into space. We'll reveal more soon, but what we can say is that it's a flavour almost all of you would have tasted before.
Next up, who doesn't love a good peep show, eh? That's exactly the concept be introducing here at the Jerk'E'Club, with our soon-to-release packaging which will feature a cheeky little window through which you can "eye before you buy." This way, you can see how fresh our jerky is for yourself, if our guarantee wasn't enough. You could even jerk it while peeping on our other flavours, technically.
Look, we get it. We walk that appropriate/inappropriate line on a daily basis (and sometimes push it a little too far), but soon you'll be able to walk it yourself. We've got some truly sick new merchandise in the works, almost guaranteed to make the older generations to lose faith in us spring chickens completely. Sun's out/puns out. Expect more news on this soon!
Puns aside, while things are still a little eerie, the land down under is slowly but surely returning to normal, WA especially. Yeah, we may have to boogie down in front of massive television screens instead of in-the-flesh performances at music festivals (seriously, who would pay for something like this?), but we're almost, almost there, and we owe you for keeping us afloat during what David Attenborough believes was mankind's worst year (you can quote us on that). From everyone here at the Jerk'E'Club, have a safe and merry Christmas and a belter of a New Year. Next year will be a better one, and we're jerking ourselves just thinking about jerking you through all of 2021 and far, far beyond. It might be a little early to share our aspirations for next year, but whatever. What we want more than anything is to lock down our own Jerk'E'Club HQ, out of which we can jerk you wholesale-style. This will be HUGE.
But that's where we'll close the storybook tonight, jerks!
We look forward to jerkin' you all.
"The Jerks You Can Trust"