Updated: May 2, 2020
We think you'll all agree these last few months have been serious ball-busters. Though don't get your knickers in a knot. We haven't and we're not going to leave any of you jerkin' in the dark. In fact, despite all this madness, the Jerk'E'Club is the strongest it's ever been. It took a little adjustment, yeah, but we're known for our exceptional performance under heavy loads. Not only have we adhered to the practices and standards of the Australian government's COVID-19 training, but we've also implemented additional practices, making contamination close to impossible and ensuring your peace of mind. One of our extra precautions was putting a hold on in-store pickups, but to compensate for this, we're currently offering free shipping Australia-wide. You've all been just super with this, and we're proud to say that because you've been supporting us, an online Australian business, through this weird old time, we've just wrapped up our most successful month ever. Your continual support brings a smile to our face every single day.
Don't forget, even though shipping is free, you still get five Dollarydoos off your first order, so pull on a glove, jerk your mate, and get 'em to visit our online store.
Now, seeing as the Jerk'E'Club is a club, it makes a whole lot of sense to offer a subscription service, and that's exactly what we've done. But what's a pavlova without strawberry, eh? To top off our subscription service, we're offering a weekly instalments payment option for our fortnightly jerky deliveries. This way, you don't have to cough up all your Dollarydoos at once, and it'll only cost you a buck or two more. All we need to know is how much you jerk. If you just need to smash out a quickie, the 100-gram "once-off jerk" is for you. If you're a seasoned jerker and feel the overpowering urge to jerk every day, our one-kilo "jerk once a day" should be more than up to the task.
Now, onto the meat of it. Our new Saffa Jerk, to keep things PG, is going bloody nuts. In just two months, this fruit chutney-flavoured wonder-jerky, with its spicy-sweet finish, has become our new number one! We're stoked we were able to nail this flavour and bring a little sentimental piece of South Africa to the land down under. Though our daring creations don't end there, and we've got yet another limited flavour building up pressure in the pipes, ready for a sticky winter release. That really is the best time to jerk -- when it's bitter cold outside, and you're nice and toasty under the covers. More on that to come.
Now, it's the talk of the town, but in case you didn't know, we're all about building both a strong body and a strong mind here at the Jerk'E'Club. Our god-tier beef jerky does a whole lot of the former, but we've got the latter covered too, and we're proud to announce that all our donations will now be going to the Black Dog Institute, which promotes mental health awareness. In these strange, ball-busting times, it's never been more important to stay connected. If you're ever feeling a little lonely, Black Dog is always up for a chat. Chew their ear off.
Lifeline crisis support: 13 11 14 Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467 Kids helpline (ages 5 to 25): 1800 55 1800
More information: blackdoginstitute.org.au
Back onto these strange times, we wanted to personally thank Australian and, specifically, Western Australian health and public services for their unflinching resolve. WA has really set the bar high, and we're incredibly lucky and grateful to live in such an efficient and optimistic state. It's our time to give something back, so stay tuned for more news on our monster contribution to the people who keep our sunny, wind-blasted state smiling.
Once again, fellow jerks, we want to offer our sincerest thanks to, well, everyone one of you. It's fantastic to see how we're all supporting each other and holding on to what it means to be Australian.
That's where we'll close the storybook for tonight!
Keep your onions peeled for more chapters of Tales of the JEC. We look forward to jerkin' you all.
"The Jerks You Can Trust"
Written by Nick Petrou (Author/Jerk)
Nick Petrou writes and edits scripts about World War II history and Star Wars for YouTube as well as blog posts and articles on video games, travel, and more. With the smile that's ever on his face, you can bet he's a pleasure to work with. Learn more about Nick on his website.