Updated: Jun 28, 2020
While we're not in the clear just yet, it is time to peel off your isolation blanket and step outside -- at least onto your verandah. What we're trying to say is things are returning somewhat to normal here on the coastess with the mostess, and we ourselves would be peggin' goon and jerky bags to the Hills Hoist and breaking it down to Mariah Carey if Poseidon wasn't trying to wash the lot of us into the sea. Again, it's bloody outstanding to see Aussies standing up for Aussies in this trialling time, and we're particularly stoked with how you -- yes YOU -- have helped keep local businesses such as ourselves afloat through it all. We're nailing it here in Straya, but we've got to keep on nailing it, so wash your hands before and after you piss your JobSeeker salary up against the back fence, and stick a Mark McGowan poster on your bedroom door.
Photo Credit: ABC News
Just a little more on COVID, we're proud to say we helped make International Nurses Day 2020 a jerkin' huge success, donating 300 baggies of our finest goodies (yes, we're still talking about jerky here) to 300 nurses between three of WA's biggest and best hospitals -- Royal Perth; St John of God, Subiaco; and Sir Charles Gairdner. The feedback we received made us feel special in all sorts of places, and once more, we'd like to thank all you beautiful Aussie healthcare workers for the stellar jobs you've done and are still doing. But we'd also like to thank everyone who helped us put said 300 baggies (15kg of quality jerky!) together. You know who you are!
Before we get too far, like Sir James Franco, I thought hurricane season was over! Nah, yeah, but nah, seriously, it's getting cold up in here, and one of the best ways to beat the cold is with a bottle of quality red wine and a pack of our limited edition "Vino Jerk" (red wine and pepper) beef jerky, available from the 1st of June. It's homely like a shank of lamb, and it's sure to bring a little warmth to your soul, heart, and shrivelled extremities. While some of our flavours take months of lab work to perfect, our "Vino Jerk" came as naturally as sucking a Bush Chook-loaded funnel, and we walked out of that lab with a winner on our first try. Of course, just like the frigid months for which this flavour is the perfect bride, it won't be around forever, so break open your son's piggy bank and buy enough to get you through this winter's movie and TV marathons.
One of the best ways to see to your jerkin' needs is via our subscription service, which we launched like a tinny last month. We've already had a number of stalwart jerkers upgrade to this VIP (and very delicious) service, and all you need to do to be a part of it is tell us how much you jerk. That way, we can figure out if either our fortnightly or monthly jerking regimes are best for your saucy habits. It's filling up fast, and our first 100 subscribers will receive a special treat, so climb aboard before this tinny hits the open sea.
What else is on our plate? That's right, a whole bunch of little nibbles -- all the small things that need doing. We're going to be rolling out some ball-tearer advertising campaigns on social media, yeah, but we're also taking a page out of Spielberg's script and prepping for a jerkin' photoshoot, in which we'll be posing in our birthday suits for a calendar, covering our naughty bits with spicy, spicy beef jerky. Just kidding. But we are organising a professional photoshoot for our sexy product so we can finally give it the justice it deserves.
Before we close the storybook, we're doing something huge in the last two weeks of this financial year, so limber up your jaw and take your hands out of your pants because we’re finishing June with a bang. You don’t want to miss this!
That's it for today!
Keep your onions peeled for more chapters of Tales of the JEC. We look forward to jerkin' you all.
"The Jerks You Can Trust"
Written by Nick Petrou (Author/Jerk)
Nick Petrou writes and edits scripts about World War II history and Star Wars for YouTube as well as blog posts and articles on video games, travel, and more. With the smile that's ever on his face, you can bet he's a pleasure to work with. Learn more about Nick on his website.