What's that? You thought we'd closed the storybook forever? Far from it. But we are changing Tales of the Jerk'E'Club to a quarterly release. This way, we can bring in each new season with some of our trademark phrasing which treads the thin line between appropriate and downright vulgar. Oh yeah, and of course some broader-stroke updates about our salty meat and the vast numbers of people we've jerked all through Australia. But let's not sit around with our hands in our dacks. Let's get up in it.
Firstly, we hoped you chugged down more than your fair share of red wine—— I mean ‘Vino Jerk’ throughout winter, for the days of heater-blasting and showering just to warm up are wearing thin. Nothing warms you better than laying down on a thick rug in front of your fireplace and jerkin it till the storm blows over. But seasons changed, as do flavours, and we can tend to your jerkin needs come rain, hail, or shine. So just what have we got in the pipe for spring, almost (but not quite) the season for sun-goon and open Lowes shirts?
Now, we might be cutting it a little short, but trust us, what we're suggesting you get the old man is fifty times better than merely your hungover presence. Why not jerk the old fella? His wife's surely not gonna do it, so the responsibility falls to you. As his spawn, it's your job to keep him smiling, and what compliments daddy's midnight fridge escapades and shaken-up Bush Chooks better than a package of premium craft beef jerky? Well, the answer is premium craft jerky in a sweet and savoury father's day hamper, arranged for you by the Jerk'E'Club and our new partner in crime, The Honeycake. If daddy doesn't have so much of a sweet tooth, however, you can always just pick up some of our delicious jerky on its own in our father's day sale. And we ain't Victoria. You last-minute, fashionably late gift-givers can ride your fixies on into our Perth store and come away with a steal.
In other news, we're famous. Our feature film, starring Huge JackedMan and directed by Baz Lurman, will be hitting cinemas near you next month. Just jerkin ya! But we did have our own product shoot, showcasing all of our delicious meat for all your food-porn addicts out there. Finally, our products got the justice they've always deserved. You can expect far higher quality photos and videos on our website and social media platforms, even as soon as the next few days. Just be sure to open up an incognito window before you get stuck into it.
Now, let's board the flavour train. Once again, we'd like to thank all the sophisticated jerks who rode through winter on a wave of red wine jerky, our Vino Jerk. We know you enjoyed it, and don't fret — winter has passed, but she'll come back around again. As for winter's younger and more annoying sister, spring, she'll come bearing a flavour that'll knock you right out of your Crocs. Get your drums rolling because, in the second week of September, we'll be releasing our limited edition lime and jalapeño ‘Peño Jerk’. Zesty, tangy, spicy, fresh — these are just a few adjectives one might use to describe the flavour, but in reality, no adjective does it justice. Your brain will swell and explode as our Peño Jerk takes you on a prismatic journey through a universe of flavour. You will quite literally wet your pants. But get in quick, as it will only be around for as long as the season of flower-bloomings (the next three months).
Moving on, we've all heard of "buy now, pay later" and all that, but what about "eat now, pay later"? The Jerk'E'Club is now supporting Laybuy, a Middle-Earth-based (New-Zealand-based) company much like AfterPay. Yarp, we went there. Eat as much jerky as you want and pay it off over six weeks in interest-free instalments, as quick and painless as the credit check, which is also interest-free. Remember, the more meat you have in your cart at checkout, the cheaper it is. Go thirdsies or eightsies with your mates or just get you yours; our products stay fresh as the Prince of Bel-Air for six whole weeks.
We hate to close on a more serious note, but we'd like to stress how grateful we are over here on the coastess with the moastess, in regards to the Victoria situation (maybe our earlier jab at Vic was a low blow, who knows?), and we'd also like to remind everyone experiencing difficulty in this time that it's not weak to speak. There's nothing wrong with asking for support, and if you're not comfortable speaking with your friends and family, we at the Jerk'E'Club encourage you to seek professional help, even if it's via an anonymous service. We highly recommend you to take that first step towards looking after your wellbeing and the wellbeing of the people you love.
The next time we open the storybook is going to be during the busiest time of the year — summer and (more importantly) Christmas! I bet you're glad you kept your Christmas lights up since last year (and the decade before that), as 2020 is slipping through our greasy fingers, and it will soon be but a series of blurry photos on our off-brand smartphones, and a collective bad memory. Yeah, I think we'll all be pretty glad to be done with 2020. It's been a real jerk of a year.
That's it for this season's intro, jerks!
We look forward to jerkin' you all.
"The Jerks You Can Trust"
Written by Nick Petrou (Author/Jerk)